Healthy Communication

Did you know that happy couples experience a ratio of 20 positive to every 1 negative interaction between them? Conflicting couples = 5:1, and Divorcing Couples = 0.8:1.

It is difficult to communicate kindness to others, when we are not kind to ourselves; through our own self-talk, and other ways that we support ourselves (or don’t) on a daily basis. Good communication cultivates love, understanding and deepens intimacy. It includes self-disclosure, active listening, and non-verbal gestures that reflect: a heartfelt connection, undivided attention, eye-contact, smiles, head nodding, …um-hmm’s, gentle touch and caring.

It’s important to understand that men and women communicate differently, in general

• Women are listening to details
• men the bottom line

After conflict

• women try to re-establish immediate intimacy and connection
• men tend to withdraw (and regroup on their own) before reconnecting

Faulty communication through a lack of awareness, defensiveness, or toxic behavior results in frustration and anger. Here are 8 ways to communicate more effectively:

1. Summarize and validate your partners thoughts, or their experience.
2. Avoid pushing their buttons through harsh words or name-calling.
3. Emphasize a persons behavior and request something different, rather than criticizing the person, their character or personality. Understand their right to disagree.
4. If you are feeling attacked, be curious and listen for underlying needs or wants that aren’t being met. Look for how you are contributing to the problem vs. reacting because defensiveness doesn’t work and often escalates the conflict – it’s another way of blaming and pointing fingers that doesn’t leave room for shared responsibility.
5. Take responsibility for your impact upon another and use words that convey understanding, respect and a focus on solutions. Remove phrases like “you always” and “you never” from your vocabulary as they tend to increase disagreement.
6. Contempt, hostile humor and sarcasm are condescending and poisonous to the physical health of an individual. Be sure to resolve differences as they occur so that they don’t simmer and stew into cynicism.
7. Be curious, ask questions, …and name what you see behaviorally. Help your partner connect to their inner-power when they are rooted in a sense of powerlessness.
8. Stay open. Refusing to engage, withdrawing from a conversation or the silent treatment, cut off communication and intimacy. Stonewalling puts a wall between you and your partner and fuels contempt. Is there any danger in sharing more about who you are and what is important to you physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually? If so, seek out support to help you get your message across and feel safe.

Everyday novelties and pursuing separate interests add excitement and a sense of newness to a relationship. Do your part, and you are well on your way to a healthier and happier relational experience.